Sylvester Stallone’s mom, Jacqueline, claims to be an astrologer/psychic and a little something of a rumpologist.

89 years Sly.

In case you’re not familiar with rumpology, here’s a little bit from Jacqueline’s website (which is probably someone joking around, right? Right?):

Jacqueline Stallone, the foremost American rumpologist, has revealed and revived the ancient art of Rumpology. Rump reading is an art that was practiced in ancient Babylon, India, Greece, and Rome. The ancient Greeks thought the derriere was the key to health and fidelity and the Romans used prints of the gluteus maximus the way some people use palmistry today, to determine potential talents and future success.

Rumpology is sometimes called butt reading in modern parlance. It is the art of reading the lines, crevices, dimples, and folds of the buttocks to divine the individual’s character and gain an understanding of what has occurred in the past and get a prediction of the future.

Ancient rump reading was done when the seeker covered his or her derriere (rump, butt) with HENNA dye (a brown- orange dye made from plant fibers) and sat on a medium (such as papyrus) to leave a impression, much like a fingerprint, palm, or foot print. Such prints are highly individualistic, as no two people share the same markings.

Jacqueline has discovered that the left and right cheeks reveal a person’s past and future, respectively. The right buttocks represents the left cerebral hemisphere of the brain, while the left buttocks represents the right hemisphere. It is similar to palmistry — where the left palm represents the past and the right palm represents the future. A rump report from Jacqueline Stallone can tell you whether you are going “ass-backwards” or eyes open into the future.

And there’s even more, “the crack”- the gluteal cleft.

“I have been asked many times about the gluteal cleft. It is more than an advertising sign for plumbers, teens, and non-conformists. IT HAS REAL SIGNIFICANCE.

It is a natural part of the human body and of vital importance. It represents the division between the ying/yang, good/bad, light/darkness, between your past– the left cheek and your future — the right cheek.

I have noticed in my years of rumpology reading that it often has characteristics of personality. Many bankers cleft’s are very short; while lawyers are very long. It can also vary in width — with politician’s seemingly extra wide and cop’s notoriously narrow. Have you had a look in the mirror recently at yours?

Modern technology has helped bring the ancient art of Rumpology into the 21st century. Thanks to digital photography, you can take a very accurate picture of your rump, a POSITIVE image, print it and and send it to Jacqueline and have her do a reading! She will analyze the details of your rump, both left and right hemispheres as well as the gluteal cleft and send you a multi-page report.

Upon your payment you will be able to download a Rumpology Report Request Form in which you will provide necessary personal information (your name and address, date of birth, and gender). Simply follow the instructions on the form: fill it out and mail it to Jacqueline Stallone along with a printed photograph of your rump, and you will receive your report.

For $300 a cheek, or just $250 for the crack, in three weeks you could have a rumpology report from Jacqueline.

I wonder: did she foresee this when she read her lesser-known-son, Frank’s ass?

-Lou
(Via Jess Dukes)