According to Dr. Robert Epstein of Epstein Humanness Inventory, I am a “SUBHUMAN HUMANOID!”

So says his How Human Are You? test, on which I scored 68 percent “correct”! (45 correct out of 66). The good doctor expounds below:

This is DEPRESSING NEWS!

…

You look, sound, and smell like a human – especially smell – but you have almost no clue about what makes people tick.

You might make a good toll collector or senator.

What this test is all about (seriously): Nonhumans are likely to have great difficulty answering questions about unique human characteristics: our informality, idiosyncracies, and individual styles, for example. Even more difficult for a nonhuman to fathom: extremely subtle aspects of human relationships and emotions, as well as how these and other human phenomena change as we get older. Humans also make predictable errors; when computer programs are written that imitate people, they always incorporate a serious dose of “artificial stupidity” – spelling, arithmetic, and reasoning errors, for example. To be human is to err.

He then goes on to give me a summary of human behaviors like: “Many of us stubbornly believe in God or the supernatural, no matter what the facts.” And “we feel profoundly embarrassed if we fart at the wrong time.” I knew all that already. I was programmed to know that, dickhead!

Take the test yourself and see if you’re more human than your favorite comedian.

You should see me in Blind Fury.

-Lou