Comedian Billy Keenly has some great Calvin and Hobbes fan fiction. You’ll never look at the boy, his stuffed tiger, or the hopelessness of the human condition the same way ever again.
In the third episode of the Greg & Lou web series find out the answers to questions like: Does Greg’s agent think he should go to Hollywood? Do girls really think Lou looks like Colin Farrell? And, what does that yellow Teletubby keep in his purse?
According to Dr. Robert Epstein of Epstein Humanness Inventory, I am a “SUBHUMAN HUMANOID!”
So says his How Human Are You? test, on which I scored 68 percent “correct”! (45 correct out of 66). The good doctor expounds below:
This is DEPRESSING NEWS!
…
You look, sound, and smell like a human – especially smell – but you have almost no clue about what makes people tick.
You might make a good toll collector or senator.
What this test is all about (seriously): Nonhumans are likely to have great difficulty answering questions about unique human characteristics: our informality, idiosyncracies, and individual styles, for example. Even more difficult for a nonhuman to fathom: extremely subtle aspects of human relationships and emotions, as well as how these and other human phenomena change as we get older. Humans also make predictable errors; when computer programs are written that imitate people, they always incorporate a serious dose of “artificial stupidity” – spelling, arithmetic, and reasoning errors, for example. To be human is to err.
He then goes on to give me a summary of human behaviors like: “Many of us stubbornly believe in God or the supernatural, no matter what the facts.” And “we feel profoundly embarrassed if we fart at the wrong time.” I knew all that already. I was programmed to know that, dickhead!
As Janelle Richards reports in The Grio, shit is going down between America’s favorite mad black woman and Spike Lee!
Hush your mouth, child!
Two years ago, Spike “alluded to [Madea's] work on film and television in particular as coonery buffoonery.”
Understandably, it took Madea some time—two years!—to craft her recent comeback:
“I’m so sick of hearing about damn Spike Lee,” [Madea] said during the press conference. “Spike can go straight to hell! You can print that. I am sick of him talking about me, I am sick of him saying, ‘this is a coon, this is a buffoon.’ I am sick of him talking about black people going to see movies. This is what he said: ‘you vote by what you see,’ as if black people don’t know what they want to see.”
Things got even more real when Madea had this to say about her black critics:
“I’ve never seen Jewish people attack Seinfeld and say, ‘This is a stereotype,’” he said. “I’ve never seen Italian people attack The Sopranos, I’ve never seen Jewish people complaining about Mrs. Doubtfire or Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie. I never saw it. It’s always black people, and this is something that I cannot undo.”
She’s got a point. Where you at, Jews and Italians? Why don’t you ever attack your critically acclaimed shit?
And you, Robin Williams and Dustin Hoffman! How dare you run around with that weak-ass age-old Jewish stereotype: Oh yeah, Jewish men are all about the cross-dressin’! Especially when it moves the plot forward! Even more specifically, when it’s a way to spend more time with your children (Mrs. Doubtfire)! Or the only way for a struggling, hard-to-deal-with actor to make it in entertainment (Tootsie)!
Good job, Madea, calling out Spike and pointing out this Leni Riefenstahl-type shit!
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In case you missed it, here’s the video of our good friend Eliza Skinner, a true Madea fan: