If you want to have a great time online, I recommend going to Roger Ebert’s website to read his movie reviews. He’s written about close to every movie—except for Night of the Comet, They Live, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, and a few others. But there are still a lot of great finds. Whether you agree with him or not—me and Rog disagree big time on Blue Velvet—he’s always worth the read. And he’ll sometimes surprise the shit out of you.

For example: he gave a three-star review to Whoopi Goldberg’s dreadful 1987 cop flick Fatal Beauty. I watched this movie a while back one lonesome Saturday morning in the basement of a Staten Island splint-level ranch.*

Once you get over the the obvious weirdness of Whoopi Goldberg playing a detective named Rita Rizzoli** and Sam Elliott’s character’s*** attraction to her—and you won’t get over either of these—you’ll spend the whole time yelling at your television, “That’s fucking ridiculous!”

This piece of shit made it all the way to France.

Fuck! The trailer makes me want to watch it again.

And you have a point, Ebert. Whoopi was pretty good in that one dramatic, completely out-of-place scene in the movie.

-Lou